Fire of a Lifetime
I wanted to die that day.
I carefully piled the paper bags on top of the flame one after the other after the other….the beast sleeping restlessly in the adjacent living room was snoring loudly. When I felt confident that the flames were high enough and the fire would really take, I hid behind the refrigerator and began a song in my head. I heard my brother screaming for the beast to wake, and before I knew it she was screaming too. No, she was begging. Begging for me to come out from behind the refrigerator. My thoughts of dying quickly turned into glee. Was the beast scared? Was that actual fear in her voice? In my 4 years, I don’t remember ever witnessing fear. This was new to me and I liked it.
I had power.
All chalked up to childhood foolishness, no one ever guessed that this was my very first suicide attempt and the beginning of a life long fascination with fire. I am fond of this memory, but most of all I am proud of myself. The beast was forced to abandon what ever dream of money or happiness or passion that she was having at that moment to save my life. She saved my life and then she beat me into unconsciousness.