mInD oF mEnAcE

Release the Beast

Critical Condition

with 7 comments

I had finally had enough. 


I went on the Internet to find some suicide advice and there it was.  My migraine medication at twenty pills was considered a lethal dose and I was off to the pharmacy to refill my last 75 pills…or so I thought.


My mind was clear and my heart was sure.  I had really tried to make the best out of what I was given in life, but some of us are just born bad and I felt that God’s cruel joke should finally come to an end.   I picked up a 6 pack of Budweiser’s to swallow my pills since my refrigerator only contained 4-5 ketchup packets from McDonald’s that were there long  before I moved in.


The pills were hard to get down in such abundance, so at 65 and two Buds, I felt I could stop without consequence and for a moment after they were consumed I had the urge to force myself to vomit, but the thought quickly passed and I laid down on the couch and said goodbye to my precious kitties.  The ex came by every Friday to play with them which is why I picked Thursday.  I wanted to make sure the pills had enough time to work their magic and ensure that the cats were well taken care of.   He always did say that he could provide a better home and now he would have the chance.


I thought that I would feel sad but my heart was content.  I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and I was finally doing something about it.  My attempts in the past were weak and futile, this one was for real and there was no possible way I could survive.  I waited for my sedatives to kick in and within 20 minutes I was unconscious.  I remember being suprised at how quickly I was getting tired and then….darkness.


I was proud. 


I woke up a few days later, bruised and battered and completely disappointed.  How could this have happened?  My entire life had been full of failures and this was the one thing that I was sure I would get right. 


How could this be?


It was a Thursday and my isolated lifestyle had ensured that there would be no suprise visitors.  


The next guest arrival would not be until Friday. 


Did my visitor come early? 


DId I take the wrong pills? 


Did I really take 65? 


What was going on and why was I here in the hospital with bruises on my body and a 24 hour nurse by my bedside?


And then the doctor came.


He explained to me how there was no rhyme or reason for me to be alive.  He told me that I should be dead and then he looked at me with pity and asked me how such a beautiful young woman with everything going for her would want to do this to herself.   I wanted to spit at him.  Who was he to judge me?  He knew nothing about my life and I have spent half of it pretending that I am someone I’m am not and this man was going to seriously try to convince me that I was lucky to be alive. 


I have heard this for years.  Everytime I hit a new low in life, someone comes out with some idiotic point of view that that always starts off the same.  “How could someone so beautiful”




Since when does someone’s appearance determine their happiness and if I were the ugliest human being on the planet would it then be ok to be so screwed up and commit suicide?  As I wondered how this man was able to think that his advice was something I seriously cared for he said something that took me by suprise.


The doctor explained to me that during my period of unconsciousness I was calling out for my brother.


And chills went up and down my body.


I remember looking for Billy in what seemed like a hospital but with no other people or objects.  I remember wandering through the never ending hallway calling for him and asking him to take me to heaven but I couldn’t find him.  I just kept walking and walking with nothing in sight.  I was confused.  Why wouldn’t Billy come and get me?  I felt betrayed.  I wondered why he did not want to protect his little sister and take her to a better place.


And then it occured to me.


Billy would not let me die.


Written by Tiffany Sams

October 16, 2008 at 3:06 pm

7 Responses

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  1. I’m listening…


    October 12, 2008 at 9:25 pm

  2. this was beautiful. i’m sure you’ve gotten many lectures about suicide so i wont say any more. But, in short, better days are on the way..I know it.


    October 15, 2008 at 7:39 pm

  3. “Billy would not let me die.”

    How intense.

    So much we think we’re in control of… but in the end, that decision is not left entirely up to ourselves.

    “How could such a beautiful woman such as yourself…”

    Beauty on the outside, darkness on the inside.. so deep, it could swallow us whole. If only we knew how to let it, give it total control, but it wont.

    if only we knew how.

    They have no clue who’s inside us.
    Who the beast is, or what its about.

    They have no clue


    October 18, 2008 at 9:09 pm

  4. Oh Tiffany, this is so painful and so huge that typed words seem so inadequate to approach it with. I know that pain and how difficult it is to carry it around, people seeing just the outside and not how the inside is suffering and melting away.
    I am thankful you are still here, very very thankful. Now what is your next step going to be?


    October 27, 2008 at 11:59 pm

  5. Pain that is so beyond feeling, pain that consumes, pain that permeates every single moment of life, pain that reminds you to be alive, accept it, but don’t let it defeat you, you are so much stronger, it shows…

    Juliet Maruru

    October 30, 2008 at 7:10 am

  6. Tiffany, Sister Wolf has a great post today that you might like to join in on, http://www.godammit.com/ . Hope you are keeping well!!!


    November 25, 2008 at 11:54 pm

  7. Wow, very sad and deep. I truly hope your writing helps remove you from those dark places.


    April 14, 2009 at 3:13 am

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