I feel like I coast through life just waiting, for what I’m not sure. I read all sorts of self help material advising me to take life by the balls, be in control of my own destiny blah blah blah. I then spend the next week or two feeling gulity for being so complacent or “not in control” then comes the shame, then all of the usual things that follow in a negative mind set. Tomorrow is my birthdy and as I approach 35 years old, I wonder how this became my life. When I was a child and feeling like a prisoner, I would envision my life as an adult….free from ridicule, abuse and lonliness but here I am in the same situation except now I am my own abuser…how ironic that everything I vowed not to be, has become exactly who I am.
I realize now that I am just waiting to die. I have no real dreams anymore and as I coast to be free, I am so lonely in my own mind.