Posts Tagged ‘Addiction’
Always having to skip over the family history section of every medical form.
Not knowing about your ancestry or where you came from.
Never really knowing if your parents were married.
Not knowing the names of your Grandparents.
Knowing that you have a half sister out there and wondering is she ever thought about you.
Making the dreaded family tree in elementary school.
I feel that if this still is a practice in school today, it should be stopped immediately. This was utter torture for me every single time that I had to do it The feeling of embarrassment and humiliation that I felt when I didn’t have names to put in the little boxes of my cut out tree was overwhelming. I hated my self. I hated all of the relatives that felt it would be easier to pretend I didn’t exist. I hated the way my teachers fumbled over their words as they tried to assure me that it was okay that I only had four other names to put in the boxes.
But most of all, I hated the day that my father told me at my brothers funereal that I had “to understand Tiffany, your mother was crazy and I just couldn’t deal with her, but now you are an adult and I would love to get to know you”. My father asked me to dinner for our fifth possibly sixth “dinner” together.
I was 28 years old.
The man who only called every few years when his father was in the States because he needed to trick my grandfather into thinking he saw his kids suddenly wanted to “get to know me”.
I never hated my father until this day. I had a void there before. I always wondered why it was that I felt so indifferent or why my blood ran so cold that I didn’t have love or hate towards him. I wanted to hate this man for my entile life and I really tried but I just couldn’t. I had always imagined that it was the beast who wouldn’t let him see me. For years I gave him every excuse I could think of to give myself the gift of thinking that someone out there may have wanted me.
I was never sure if it was true but there was always the possiblity. I didn’t know what his side was and didn’t want to. I never asked and was perfectly pleased with keeping things the way they were.
But now he just threw it out there. BOOM!
He knew the beast was crazy and he left his children there alone and defenseless. And now, the only other person in my whole life who ever really knew what I went through was gone.
AND I HAD TO UNDERSTAND?
I will never understand how a man can know that his children are in the hands of a monster and just choose to walk away. I can not undersatnd how Billy and I suffered years of torment merely because my father couldn’t handle the beast.
I went homeless.
I went hungry.
I went into addiction.
I went to college.
I worked hard.
I managed to keep a smile on my face every single day so that everyone would think I was happy while I was dying on the inside.
AND I HAD TO UNDERSTAND?
Understand that my father is an immature selfish man who can not handle his responsibilities?
Understand how my father hurts people when he doesn’t even know that he is doing it?
Understnad how my father could possibly think that I could understand this?
I did understand.
And I hate him for it.
I have never been the same since this day.
It was the day I had to bury my brother and the day my father broke my heart.
It was the first day since I was 15 that I really cried and I couldn’t stop.
It was the day I decided to destroy my life with addiction.
It started with my brother’s cancer pills that were left behind.